2005-06-05 - 4:55 a.m.
lie another day...
i really would love to believe that everything is just peaches, and that you didn't lie to me just to spend time with her, but the fact is, i don't believe it, much as i might love to be able to believe.
you can claim you didn't try to hide the wedding all you like, but you didn't bring it up last week when i said we should invite susan over this weekend. you didn't mention it yesterday when i said susan had invited me & juliet out to the movies. you told me about it 3 weeks ago and not again until today when you were walking out the door. and juliet said first, when you got there, you sat with "that girl, daddy's friend from work". you claim to have just sat at the same table, of which there were only 2, but i've never heard of people sitting at tables during a wedding ceremony. and it's it funny, of all the other people there, she remembers her first and best. hell, for all i know, you drove her to the wedding, for all that you claim not to have known she would be there. you did stop by work first, and you made a call to someone just before you left.
everytime i think i am just being paranoid, something else happens. one more lie she happens to be somehow involved in. i knew what juliet would say before she said it. i knew in my gut, before i even asked who you sat with, what she would tell me. just like i knew she was there the night you went out drinking and stayed out longer than usual.
i meant it when i said i don't think i can do this. i do not trust you anymore. that much is clear. whether i am being paranoid or not, whether what i think is actually the truth or not, the fact remains, i am thinking these things. and i can't stop thinking them.
and that is no way for either of us to live, whether there is something going on or not.

2005-05-18 - 8:31 p.m.
conflicted
i can't help but replay and add up all the lies, all the half-truths, all the stories, especially those about her, those that i can't quite believe the whole truth of and those i can't believe happened because they are so against everything we talked about before and just after i moved here. and worse is that you don't understand, or claim not to understand, why these things upset me, why i can't trust you. you ask me to trust you, but you give me no reason anymore. and when i add up all those things, i feel a fool for still being here, for giving you what little trust i still do and what great trust i once did. i feel betrayed, that's the truth of it. and that is why i fear so strongly that you will be unfaithful. that the previously cheated will become (or has already become?) the cheater.
am i stupid for not believing in you? or stupid for sticking around to see if my fears or my hopes will come true?

2005-05-16 - 10:23 p.m.
...
i don't know why i have always indulged in daydreams that made me cry, more often than not. i know sometimes it was in search of a release, when i was so numb with depression that i couldn't cry for the real tragedies in my life. i would create horrific scenarios in my head, designed - much like many country songs- for the sole purpose of bringing tears.
it was also a way, i suppose, of preparing myself for such eventualities should anything so unbearable ever really occur, a way of facing my biggest fears in order to find a way to cope with them. and a way of showing myself, since i could bring myself out of the mock-drama at anytime, that things were not so bad as they could be.
and so it is now that i am locked into these fantasies where i walk in on you with someone else. i feel everything that i would feel if the reality came true, if to a much diminished degree. but the purpose has twisted. instead of teaching me to cope with these fears, the possibility that these daydreams could become reality has become my biggest fear. the fear that one day such a thing really might happen...i cannot imagine an ending that involves any sort of happy life beyond the event. i can't, as i once could, find an escape route that turns the fantasy of tragedy into something better, like a learning experience or the chance for a new beginning or whatever positive outcome i once had the ability to envision.
now there is only the unbelievable sadness...and i can't even cry during the daydreams, anymore.

2005-04-30 - 8:03 p.m.
all alone...for real this time.
i'm so depressed and sad right now i can hardly breathe. we are 3 days from our 3rd anniversary and this morning you asked if we would be getting a divorce in the next 3 years. things improved after that, but after i went to work and came back, things were worse than this morning.
i don't even know where you are right now. did you not answer your phone on purpose or just not hear it?
i thought if i put all my anger down in here it might make things better, but it hasn't.
where did all the love go?

2005-04-30 - 10:24 a.m.
not by the moon, the inconstant moon
nonononoNO.
you do not get to ignore me, then treat me like shit, then delibrately make yourself fall asleep while i'm talking to you & then wake up the next morning (after the dog i didn't want has kept ME up all night) & get to play with my tits. No.

2005-04-29 - 11:44 p.m.
-
things are never going to change. ever. i'm always going to be left alone, & yet to be expected to be available at your convenience. fuck that.
baseball, the dog, the cats, the computer, work, the car, the plants, your family, your friends. all things that are more important to you than me. that you spend more time with, are more interested in and are nicer to. fuck that.
and so much for the banners being screened. i've seen 3 with tits on them in the last month. i'm really tired of tits, in general, anyway. my life has had too many of them in it. fuck that.
i spent tonight talking to another guy instead of spending time with you because you weren't available. and you don't even care. fuck that.
sometimes i dislike you so much, i can't think why i'm here at all. fuck that, too.

2005-04-28 - 10:09 p.m.
doggy paddling
how wonderful. the dog is back. the dog i never wanted in the first place, when you bought him 3 years ago. you know, back when you wouldn't marry me until i had a job because we were supposedly so short on money - yet you could plunk down $300 for a fucking dog who would end up costing a lot more money, not just in food, but in the thing he destroyed & the protections we had to by to keep him from destroying more.
once again, you told me you had told someone no to something, when really you had told them yes. last time it was leaving on my long-pre-planned birthday weekend and now the dog. you asked me what i thought and i said i would say no. for so many reasons, no. and you said yes. absolutely yes, how wonderful.
and now there is another thing, on an ever-growing list, for you to give your attention to besides me. i suppose it's nice to know SOMETHING can take you away from the computer - it just really sucks it was a dog and not me.

2005-04-27 - 10:53 p.m.
how dumb do you think i am?
i think one of the worst parts of it is how pathetic your excuses are sometimes. like you feel you don't need to even try for anything better than mediocre lies for me because i'll buy it, no matter what. maybe that is why you are always so suprised when i don't. it's either that or you don't give me enough credit for knowing you as well as i do. either way, it's like being bitch-slapped, everytime.

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